on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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