I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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