Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
only if we run a train.
done.
i love accidental penises.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
