either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
