The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
