I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
