My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
