ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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