I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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