I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
