I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
