I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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