You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
