I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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