my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
