remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
