so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
