This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
