a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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