Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
