Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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