I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
