I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
