I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
