I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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