i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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