he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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