I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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