I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This baby is an asshole
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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