oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
