She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
