I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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