I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
