my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
