my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
