Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
