so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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