on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?