Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
