Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it's great music for shaving your balls
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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