I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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