she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
