I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
