I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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