something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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