How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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