My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
