Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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