you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
