Screwed.edu
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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