im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We left the knife in your bed.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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