ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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