I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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