Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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