goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
