he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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